I'M FINE ........AND OTHER LIES

Today started on a fishy note.Something was burning somewhere and the smell was terrible which is not exactly what you want first thing in the morning.The weather was dull and I had the worst attitude(sorry to everyone who tried to talk to me in the morning).I actually told someone 'kunakaa mazishi'. While I couldn't put my finger on what it was that i was feeling,i just wanted to cry....for absolutely no reason.none at all.but I just remembered;six years ago today was when my dad's first wife died.that's right, my bio mum died.lost the battle to colon cancer. As i write this,i am preparing myself to head home.Juja.the family home where my step mum also lives.(I'm also crying,silently so that no one knows  DziDzi the great has feelings,but that's besides the point. )I'm going to meet them.my parents,my brother who was such a Mommy's boy so i can only imagine how he's feeling right now and my step-sister.My role in the society(giggle) is to be the funny person.the one who makes everything better.the one who makes everyone laugh their troubles away or encourage them that someone else out there is most definitely having a worse time out there.I'm needed to be that person all weekend because if I'm not,everyone will know, and my step family will just have an awkward time, my dad will be sad,which will make me sadder,my brother will feel worse,it's a whole thing I can avoid by just making them laugh.But to be quite honest, i want to cry really loudly,and not talk to anyone about anything, not laugh at any one's jokes and be the recipient of a great big hug.they say the loudest people are the most sensitive ones. I have never admitted to this no matter how true i know it is. You see the problem with being that type of person is people turn to you when they have problems.they tell you all they're going through and you give them all the encouragement they need to get on.My friend jokes that people only come to me when they have problems.(if you're reading this you know yourself.and no we're not going to talk about this post ever.hint;you're Muslim)I'm not complaining, in fact,it is very satisfying to know that someone trusts you with their issues and to know that you were able to help them overcome it.See the problem with that is that leaves not too many people for you to talk to.people to be vulnerable to.It's hard for people to take you seriously when you're ever joking.Also if you're anything like me you're an over thinker, that would mean you feel like when you tell people your problems they're going to always pity you,treat you different and/or have reservations when talking about certain topics that touch on your problem,even when really you already got over it.By now you've noticed i talk alot.sorry for making this too long but there's a point to it i promise.two actually.

Think about that friend in your life.The one who says hi to everyone and laughs at you're not so funny jokes and tells you you have a big butt and your tummy size doesn't matter.Have a name yet? That one, yes.On some mornings they wake up not wanting to talk to anybody or say hi to everyone in school/at work.sometimes they want their personal space, sometimes they want to eat lunch alone and not listen to your story about Madelaine, the one eyed cat that made you hate cats or have an opinion on whether to get a tattoo of a rose on your upper arm to commemorate your dead great grandmother Rose.they too have dead relatives who they think about almost everyday.they too have had their hearts broken.heck maybe the guy that they liked just confided in her how much he likes your best friend.point is,these guys are not sharers and always put everyone else's feelings before their's.so be gentle.ask them how their day was.ask them what their favourite memory from childhood is.ask them what places they want to travel to.you'll be surprised how much they have to share.just be patient.

 Second and lastly,the saying time heals all wounds?scam!just like HIV,some wounds are untreatable and like Herpes,some go away for a while and pop back up every once in a while.so honey dont let anybody tell you how long you need to grieve.cry.wear those black outfits for a week.shut everyone out.get you the ice cream on offer in chandarana and go ham!do whatever makes you feel better for however long you need to.dont listen to they who say "why are you grieving, you guys weren't even that close", when your classmate passes away.take your time.it get's better.that, i can guarantee but how long it takes to,is a question best answered by the one in the skirt.All i can warn is that there is a thin line between taking your time and depression,be careful not cross it because now that is a whole other case.Everything is always okay in the end,if its not,then its not the end.

Allow me to go and put on my next show.Till next time,

                                                                     XO,

                                                                    Dzidzi💕.